Monday, May 14, 2012

Insecurities... from the Devil... literally

I have a friend who occasionally uses the term "headcase".  I think that perfectly describes me sometimes. 
Being single has its perks, but it also has its challenges.  I think one thing the Devil uses against me is my mind and my thoughts.  Let's be honest, I don't have anyone I live with and while I do think about other people, pray for my family and friends, too much time is spent thinking about me.  My evil thoughts tend to center around my insecurities.  Saturday, I let the evil thoughts take over.  I was invited to a party.  It was a party in which I didn't think I would know very many people.  I knew two guys going well, and I planned to go with them. 
The party got closer and closer.  I couldn't decide what to wear.  I have -0- confidence when it comes to clothes.  I wear pants when everyone else has on a dress.  I wear a dress when everyone else has on shorts.  I just never do it right.  I never look as cute as everyone else.  I don't know how to put it together.  This isn't flattering, this makes me look old, this makes me look like I'm trying to be 18... I don't have the right jewelry, the right shoes... the list goes on and on.  I feel like my friends give me a pass and don't judge when I show up wearing something stupid, but I don't know these people, what if I embarrass myself?
Then there is the self-diagnosed social anxiety disorder.  I enjoy social gatherings, I enjoy my friends, but I despise situations in which I don't know the majority.  I have an incredibly hard time with small talk.  Once it gets going, I'm usually ok, but that horrible, awkward time where you are standing, not knowing who to talk to, or how to strike up conversation, awful!!  So here are the thoughts that start going thru my mind as the party looms closer... Who are you going to talk to?  The boys don't want to babysit you all night.  These are their friends, you are just going to be in the way.  You can't make small talk with other people... and it went on and on.
I worked myself in such a frenzy I didn't go.  I stayed by myself on the couch, fun, huh?  At first I was feeling sorry for myself, poor pitiful unstylish, untalkative, uninteresting me.  I finally went to bed.  About 4 am I woke up, and that's when I had the epiphany.  Not poor pitiful me, but stupid, sinful me.  I just let the Devil steal from me a night of fun, because I listened to the put downs.  I listened to the lies.  I listened to all the negative.  I was so mad at myself.
I just want to send out a little thanks to my preacher for pouring salt in the wound the next morning.  We talked about the Proverbs 31 woman during the sermon, you know the perfect woman all men should want.  The perfect woman who buys fields, sews clothes, keeps her husband happy, is admired at the city gates, and does all things good.  Her.  I felt as far away from the Proverbs 31 lady as could be.  Then I go to Sunday school and we talk about Timothy.  One verse that was read  was 1 Timothy 2: 9-10 "I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God".  Really it was just read in passing, not one of the verses that had much discussion, but it hit me like a 2x4 between the eyes.  Here I was getting all bent out of shape over stupid things like clothes.  I sat at home by myself because of CLOTHES!!  How stupid.  I was so upset with myself I couldn't even eat lunch.  I sat and watched everyone else eat, because I was literally sick at my stomach for letting the devil control me like that.  I apologized to my friend for not going and bailing on him at the last minute. 
So last night was share group at church, the guys cooked us a fantastic dinner, but that's beside the point.  We went in to start singing.  One song was "The Battle Belongs to the Lord"  I honestly was so choked up with tears in my eyes, I couldn't even sing.  These are some of the lyrics.

"The power of darkness comes in like a flood
The battle belongs to the Lord
He's raised up a standard, the power of His blood
The battle belongs to the Lord
When your enemy presses in hard do not fear

The battle belongs to the Lord
Take courage my friend, your redemption is near
The battle belongs to the Lord"

It just reminded me what I have to do when I feel overwhelmed, when my fears (my enemy, the darkness) are taking over.  I don't have to fight this battle by myself.  God is with me.  He helps me fight my demons, my insecurities.  I just have to ask, have confidence, believe. 

I wish I could do the weekend over.  I wish what I was reminded of yesterday had happened a few days earlier.  I wish I didn't have these demons.  I wish, I wish.... But I know God is in control.  I'm thankful He used my meltdown to remind me of His strength, His power, His goodness.  I'm thankful I've been reminded who needs to control my mind and my thoughts.

I'll forget, I'll have another meltdown.  I'll stand in front of my closet again and throw a fit, but maybe next time, I'll remember sooner, I'll ask God for help faster... and I'll make it to the party.


Christan Perona said...

Thank you for your bold honesty and your courageous transparency.

The more we talk about these issues, I believe the less we will believe Satan's lies. He flees from the Light.

May God's presence be real to you and may you bask in His grace.

Jane said...

This is such a great post and so very true! It is great that you recognize those thoughts for what they are - or really who they've come from.

I have no doubt you will make it to the party next time and one more thing to remember - EVERYONE feels similarly to you even if they don't show it and no one is as hard on your and how you look as you will be. :) That's a bit of Erin Mc wisdom for you.

Mrs. Pancakes said...

I love that song!!

Anonymous said...

I know that song! :o) What true lyrics are spoken there.

I found you via Mrs. Pancakes blog. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Oh, how many times I've let something small hold me back. Although, at the time, what was small, seemed so big. I feel the same as you do in social situations and am sorry to report that it doesn't get a whole lot better once you are married. It is a constant struggle to gain the confidence needed for things such as this. I pray you will find the voice inside you that tells you that you are wonderful, and you aren't alone. There is a whole band of girls out there feeling just as you do and we are all cheering you on! :o)

brandi said...

And I was sitting right beside you and had no idea! Talk to me, my friend! If you only realized how awesome everyone thinks you are!